This week, my best friend asked me the strangest question in passing.
“What is that feeling? You know, the one between a crush and realising you’re really falling for someone?”
I remembered this song by one of my favourite bands. I am sure most of you have heard it, but won’t remember this line – “Fear is the heart of love.”
It’s true. Every time between those giddy moments of being a gushing teenager over someone and realising you’re ready to say you’re in love with someone, there is a fear. Many would say it is doubt. But, I don’t think I have wanted to piss my pants as I have in those moments.
I almost know what we are so afraid of. You see, loving someone takes courage (20 seconds, screams Matt Damon). But, being loved takes strength. It takes a lot to be able to withstand the sort of affection someone might have to offer us. The best thing about the universe and its timing is that when love arrives, it takes you by surprise. When it happens, you need to be able to accept the love someone has to offer you and take it as it comes. Let it sink in. It can be very scary knowing someone can like your ugly gob when you’re chewing down that last slice of pizza.
However, we are so used to the world we live in that anyone being remotely nice to us makes us wary of them. It’s this space between knowing and not knowing that we are consumed by suspicion. It takes time for the believers to become that way.
No matter who we are, we all crave affection. We are also afraid of it. We are afraid of what it does to us and what happens to us when we get used to it. We are afraid of the lightness it fills us up with.
But, (and here’s the secret) it’s what keeps us tied down to what we really love. The fear of loss. The fear of not knowing what is going to happen. It’s strange, but true. We hold on to things just because we don’t know what is going to happen.
Human curiosity, maybe? Maybe.
Affection? I wouldn’t know.
NB – Any musical references made in this post have added to the mood I was in when writing this.